I am seriously about ready to lose my shit. Thank god I have this blog to distract me from slitting my wrists with the plastic edge of the mousetrap packaging. It doesn’t say so on the directions, but I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m supposed to do with it after the trap fails miserably and I’m left with no other choice. Since the mouse is unable to be ousted – I must go. Don’t they give the astronauts some kind of poison pill to swallow in case they get attacked my aliens or something? Wait. It gets better.
Not only am I hosting Stuart Little himself, but a sparrow heard about the party and decided to drop in on us as well. While I was busy spreading yet MORE mouse traps throughout the house, the kids stared yelling about a bird flying over the couch. I came running in and managed to scooch him out onto the screened porch. Just as I thought I had him headed to the open door, the dog barked and the kids yelled and the birdy switched directions and flew at neck breaking speed right smack into the window. I looked back at the kids as they watched birdy fall straight down the the floor, legs straight up in the air. “Is he DEAD?” They screamed. “I don’t KNOW! Where the HELL is your father – we have wildlife invading our home!” I yelled. Only, I know where the hell he is. He’s watching FOOTBALL on a 50″ flat screen with a beer in one hand and I don’t know what in the other – certainly not a nasty sticky mouse trap or a dead bird. No. That’s what I’m holding. Exept the bird isn’t REALLY dead. It was just PLAYING dead so me and my dog and my children would just leave it the hell alone. I know this because I left it on the porch for my husband as penance for his fine day of beer and football – and now it’s up and chirping and flying around terrorizing my children. Mimi thinks we should take it to a special hospital for birds because, isn’t it mean to let a bird with a broken neck fly around in our screened porch? Yes, yes it is. However, I can’t be worrying about that right now because the mouse is taking a bath in the dog’s water dish.